Life after stillbirth: How do you move forward without your baby?

After a stillbirth, your world stops.

Outside your home, traffic keeps moving. People go to work, buy groceries and make plans for next week.

And you are left wondering how the world can continue when your baby has died.

Life after stillbirth does not begin at one particular moment. Not after the funeral. Not when you return to work. Not when other people believe that “enough time” has passed.

It begins again every morning you wake up and realise that your baby is still not here.

Moving forward does not mean leaving your baby behind

Many parents are afraid that moving forward means letting go of their baby. That laughing, enjoying something or making new plans somehow says something about how deeply they loved their child.

But you do not have to leave your baby behind in order to continue living.

Your baby can remain part of who you are becoming. Part of the choices you make, the way you see the world and the love that will always be there.

I am the mother of Jasmijn, Tom and Tim. They are not here with me, but they are still part of my life. Not only in my sadness, but also in my love, my work and the person I am today.

To me, that is the difference between living in loss and living with loss.

Can love and sadness exist at the same time?

Yes, they can.

After a stillbirth, sadness can take up all the available space. Especially at first, simply getting through the day may be enough.

Later, other moments can begin to appear. A conversation that feels good. The sun on your face. A meal you enjoy. A morning when you suddenly realise that you have not cried for several hours.

That can feel confusing.

You may feel relief, followed immediately by guilt. You may wonder whether enjoying life means you are failing your baby in some way.

But your love does not become smaller when your life becomes bigger again.

You do not have to choose between missing your baby and allowing yourself to experience happiness. Both can exist beside each other.

Remembering your stillborn baby

Photographs, footprints, a birth announcement, a blanket or simply hearing your baby’s name can become deeply meaningful.

Perhaps you want to mark your baby’s birthday every year. Perhaps you do not want to do anything at all. You may speak your baby’s name often, or only feel comfortable doing so with certain people.

There is no correct way to remember your baby.

What supports you may also change over time. Something that felt important during the first year may feel different later.

You do not have to follow anyone else’s expectations.

This is your baby. Your love. Your way.

When the people around you do not understand

People often want to support you but have no idea what to say or do. As a result, they may say things that hurt:

“You are still young.”

“At least you can try again.”

“You need to start looking forward.”

They probably mean well. But good intentions do not make painful words hurt less.

Perhaps people have stopped mentioning your baby’s name. Maybe they change the subject when you talk about what happened. Or they expect you to return to the person you were before your baby died.

But you do not have to become your old self again.

You are allowed to discover who you are now and how you want to live with everything that has happened.

When might support after stillbirth help?

You do not have to wait until you are completely overwhelmed before asking for support.

It may help to talk to someone when you notice that:

• you continue to blame yourself;
• you feel guilty when you experience happiness;
• you feel alone, even when other people are around;
• returning to work feels impossible;
• the loss is affecting your relationship or family;
• you are pregnant again and fear is taking over;
• you long to speak with someone without having to explain everything first.

Good support does not tell you how you are supposed to feel.

It helps you recognise what you need and take the next step in a way that fits you.

Not because you need to let go of your baby.

Because you are still here too.

Your life did not end when your baby’s life ended

After a stillbirth, life will not return to exactly what it was before. It does not have to.

A different life can grow around what happened. A life in which your baby will always belong and in which there can also be room for love, pleasure, longing and a future.

This does not happen in a straight line. You may take a step forward and find that the next day feels just as difficult as the beginning.

That does not mean you have failed or gone backwards.

You do not have to wait until you miss your baby less before you are allowed to make a choice, take action or want something for yourself again.

Living with loss does not mean that your loss no longer matters.

It means that the loss does not have to be the only thing determining how much space you are allowed to take up in your own life.

Frequently asked questions about life after stillbirth

How do you cope with life after stillbirth?

There is no single way to cope after a stillbirth. Begin with what you need today rather than what other people expect from you. Remembering your baby and making room for your own life can exist side by side.

Is it normal to feel guilty when I enjoy something again?

Yes. Many parents feel guilty the first time they laugh, enjoy themselves or look forward to something. Feeling happiness does not diminish your love for your baby.

When should I seek support after a stillbirth?

You can seek support at any time. You do not need to wait until you can no longer manage alone. Support can be especially helpful when guilt, loneliness or fear keeps you from living the life that is still yours.

Would you like some gentle support without having to explain everything first? Explore my free support after loss or learn more about me and my own experience as Jasmijn, Tom and Tim’s mother.