What to say to someone who had a miscarriage: an honest answer

What to say to someone who had a miscarriage is something almost nobody teaches you. You want to say something. But you don't know what.

Your friend has had a miscarriage. Or your sister. Or your colleague. You're standing there with the best intentions in the world, not knowing how to reach her without saying the wrong thing. That is human. And yet it matters more than you think.

What she feels when you say nothing

When you don't respond, don't call, don't mention it — she feels: it doesn't count. My baby didn't count. My loss is too small to talk about.

That is not what you mean. But that is what she feels.

The silence around miscarriage and stillbirth is one of the heaviest things for the women who go through it. Not just the loss itself — but also the feeling that nobody acknowledges it. You can break that with a few words.

What NOT to say to someone who had a miscarriage

Well-meant, but harmful:

"It was still early." As if early means less serious. For her, this was already her baby from day one.

"You can always try again." She wants this baby. Not a next one.

"Everything happens for a reason." There is no reason that makes this okay.

"You need to be strong." She is also allowed to fall apart. That is not weakness.

Recognise them? Almost everyone has said one of these at some point. That doesn't make you a bad person. But it helps to know what's better.

What you CAN say

You don't need big words. Small words are enough.

"I heard what happened. I am so sorry."

"I don't know what to say, but I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you."

"How are you doing? Not the way you're supposed to be. But really."

And if her baby has a name, say that name. Just say it. "How are you, after losing Jasmijn?" That small gesture is bigger than you think. Because saying that name means: your baby existed. Your baby counts.

And after?

A miscarriage or stillbirth doesn't disappear after a few weeks. The due date comes, the birthday of the baby, Mother's Day and Christmas.

Think of her on those days. Send a message or a card. "I was thinking of you today. And of your baby." That's enough. She will never forget it. And neither will you.

Want to support someone or find support yourself? Join the Stillborn Sisterhood or start with a free guided audio moment.